Being myself once was easier…but as you experience relationships, life breaks you… people break you.

If there is no one around you where you can be yourself, you will likely not be yourself around anyone. Maybe you will distance yourself from spending time alone because you don’t wanna face your real self anymore. You stop liking your self. Why facing it? Why listening to your heart if clearly nobody else does.

We constantly change ourselves in order to be more likable ….more accepted…and the price is your own heart…. it becomes numb. It doesn’t feel deep pain but therefore it doesn’t feel joy or peace as well. And maybe someone comes along and reminds you that this heart of yours is a rare soul. And for a second you realize again that all this attention you get for this false self, is nothing more than that: attention. It has nothing to do with love.

I think maybe the first step in always being authentic is not to judge yourself for trying to wear a mask. Maybe the first step is, realizing that you are hiding for a reason and to accept that this self-hating part of yours is also you.  The part I am trying to distance myself from is also me.

The part I don’t listen to. The part which is hurt. The part who tries to survive and is fragile.

We all have our parts. We all have broken pieces.

If you hurt someone long enough, they will eventually have a hard time not believing that they are the problem and eventually they will stop liking themselves.

I think….the reason why I am writing about stuff like this is… that I need for people to speak out truth or justice as well… I need for people to tell me that there is nothing wrong with being me. To tell me that being sensitive is not a weakness. To tell me that life is laughing and crying. To tell me that who I am is precious and worth listening to. And If there are times where there is not one soul who is loving and caring, I will be ok. I am ok.

I don’t wanna be stronger anymore, I don’t wanna toughen up.  I wanna live.

Hardening up is an easy thing to do .  It is soo easy. But I realized that there is absolutely no benefit to it. it is nothing else than self hate.

It’s okay. It is okay if you feel like you have lost your wonder. It is okay not to be okay.

It is okay to have a part of your heart fighting against your own soul. It is what it is right now and I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Eventually I will be quiet again and bear the silence in the presence of my own thoughts and feelings. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in months. And those moment remind me that I am whole again. I am everything I am. Being vulnerable once again. And those moments remind me of who I really am.

Primarily I am writing to myself but I still hope that someone will feel less alone or less frustrated with themselves  by reading this.

If you do, feel hugged. YOU are rare.

Love Mel

(ps. I couldn't remember the author of this quote- if you know it comment below)