Checklist realization #1: I am choosing emotionally unavailable men because I fear being suffocated

I am sitting here sobbing in my bed at 11 am in the morning realizing and feeling the hurt of my porous boundaries, too much pleasing and rejection for expressing where I start. My boundaries have been overstepped far too often and choices have been taken from me. I was always the little girl dissolving into everyone else’s needs because I wanted to be loved, more than I wanted to be respected. Which is normal for a child. We do not crave respect as long as it has not been broken.

But as I am currently working on my checklist of what I actually need in a men and what I don’t want, I realize that I always liked the ones that do not suffocate or kindle me, the ones who have a strong sense of confidence keeping them from being too clingy. Unluckily we are oftentimes searching for healthy independence and find ourselves drawn to emotionally distant and unavailable men. It was my way of keeping my own safe space in the presence of someone else where I can completely and utterly be myself.

I always needed to feel that independence so I won't go back to losing myself in someone else’s being. To me, a slightly extended healthy distance meant respect and acknowledgment of my needs..

I found myself on the verge of choosing between love and respect, love and myself or love and my boundaries when I realized that men who ‚respect‘ my uncommunicated need for freedom are slightly on the emotionally unresponsive side and not keen on initiating or they are showing very little interest in my feelings. I also got to know guys who were extremely clingy, possessive and claiming you before you even start considering that you were made to breathe air from shores and not chambers.

Somewhere subconsciously inside of my heart, I believed that love comes with the price of suffocating obsession and respect meant the absence of affection because I had no idea what love looks like.

You will never have to sacrifice boundaries to keep real love around and you will never have to beg for attention to stay independent and free. Sometimes we fear that there is no option except from those two and we start questioning our coexisting seemingly contradicting needs for independence and love when in reality they are not exclusive and we don’t need to compromise on our core values and maybe admit that we were not compatible with someone after all. Yes, there is a kind of commitment that you have to be ready for in order to fully embrace a connection that is tied to responsibilities but I am trying to believe that

1. If it is meant to be it will happen

2. Love will accept you in your wholeness and hopefully make you more of yourself- meaning you won’t have to compromise on core values.

Setting boundaries and sticking up for them no matter what is difficult, when you sense the cost of such decisions. But you feeling uncomfortable is your heart telling you that something is off. And this does not solely apply to dating, it applies to all human connections we encounter. I understand how difficult it is to admit that you have been held too tight, something is too much or simply not enough when you feel like you will lose either or. But don't let it be you.

You will never lose love on your path of seeking the truth. You will only lose what wasn't yours to begin with.

We have to listen to our needs that keep us in a compromised position. What are you trying to prevent? What are you scared of happening? What keeps you pushing down the little wiser in your heart?

Understanding where you are coming from and bringing awareness to the situation helps with embracing yourself and actually believing in the boundaries you are setting. Because your heart is untamed, bewildered, an oceans child and your enchanted mind is a wonderful place to dwell in.

You are oceanic

All she wanted was to find a place to stretch her bones. A place to lengthen her smiles and spread her hair, a place where her legs could walk without cutting and bruising, a place unchained.

She was born out of ocean breath. I reminded her:

‘Stop pouring so much of yourself
into hearts that have no room
for themselves.
Do not thin yourself.
Be vast.
You do not bring the ocean to a river’

You do not bring the ocean to a river.

-Tapiwa Mugabe-