It took me a while to admit that I wasn’t listening to you,
that I pushed you aside and was mad at you for every attempt of speaking up


I cut you off more times than I can count 
and denied you when you needed my loyalty the most.
I made resolutions that wouldn’t consider your fragility and
treated you like a disease, swallowed by the deafening silence of noise.

you were ulcerating, interfering with the life I think I should be living,
conversations I should be loving.
With dreams, I believe I should have accomplished
while my fear traded your trust for a sense of belonging.

You were trying to talk to me so many times…
but I wouldn’t listen and pushed you even further into isolation.
I said you were acting out, made you doubt yourself
when all you were asking for was acknowledgment.

I reckoned that is why you went out and searched to be heard by others,
satisfaction was only lasting as long as a compliment, an embrace or an evening.
Because eventually, you would feel it again:
The rejection of the person that was supposed to protect you.

I pretended far too long you wouldn’t exist.
Broke up with your symptoms and ignored your letters.

Your darkness scared me,
Your fear- it scared me.
the cast of chaos covering your lips.
The panic in your voice.
I thought you wanted to drown me in pain,
when all you needed was to be loved.