Almost midnight,
mid week,
mid quarter,
mid year,
Crowded house playing in the background and my fingers are hesitant to type. So many times I lost you, tried to keep you close, played those songs. Listened to the mirrors in my memories. 

The playlist is called love but it might as well have carried your name. Every melody is tinged with a thought lost in time, hesitant to forget. Pauses numbed and the shadow of your presence burned tears into my pillows. I feel like I am loosing the person that my heart calls a home. It took me years to let you go, placing god’s into gods hands, trusting that best doesn’t have to be begged for.

Am I waiting or leaving?

Between all those voices that tell me I should have let you go the day I met you,
I can still feel the scars from seasons that shaped me into someone that is able to love without loosing herself.
I had to let you go too many times, too many years.
So many years I waited for you to speak, for answers I deserved.

You were selfish in keeping me,
you were selfish in letting me go.
You kept my love captive and candles burning.
You would not let go,
even though I never wanted you to.

Sweetest heart I know,
you made me feel so precious,
seen, and heard.
Know that you hold the deepest love of all.

You listened to a part of my heart that was never heard before,
made me feel so loved, you surely knew how to hold my heart.
And although I lost myself trying to hold onto you,
I did not find myself in letting you go either.
I saw myself,
amidst distance and dreams
- I never meant to let you go.