New beginnings| anxiety
New beginnings are hard. They are just as frightening as they exite. The reason why I didn’t feel like writing or blogging this last month is because I traveled back to europe and moved to one of the biggest cities there. I was so overwhelmed these last couple of days that I felt like I would never fully recover and be myself again.
Usually I do like big cities. I love the diversity, countless strangers, shops, bars, coffee shops and activities… I just feel like big cities can swallow you up and spit you out in the blink of an eye … There is anonymity but therefore individuality suffers.. there is diversity and on the other hand people are struggeling to find their place…
Do you know this feeling of constantly being pushed into doing something and being busy and it causes you to start pushing and breaking yourself…. trying to live up to the standard and expectations of other people?… This is basically the situation right now. I had no grace left for myself…. basically 24/7 stress-self-destructive-mindset.
I need to wind down and I’m in deep need for peace right know… There is too much noise outside, inside. It is strange to share those kind of thoughts on the internet… but to be honest, I do not want to write about quick fixes and highlight all the end results and solutions my heart experienced…. Sometimes I am in need to share a little more process and chaos…
Moving without friends is a hard thing to do. It is as if the universe is sending you on a self-confrontation-journey. No safety, no directions, no comforting friends... nothing but your naked soul. That's when I realized that I am completely and utterly lost ….
Maybe we are in need to feel a little lost for the rest of our lives…..
Maybe feeling secure and in control of everything is a dangerous comforting Illusion…. Bill Johnson said something like: Where there is no mystery, there is no need to trust, no need to believe…
...being at peace without knowing what comes next.
"I abandon my addiction for the certainty of life and my need to know everything"
Hope you guys had a lovely week.
Love Mel
