Life leaking out my veins| Paris

I tried to push myself through the seasons of life,

thought I could figure them out

I am not who I pretend to be

I am weak in my bones, fragile

desperately in need for a love that fixes me beyond spoken words

rationality feels like a cage around my chest 

begging me to name my soul- weakness of this life

an outburst of tears -an act of irrationality

it grabs everything real and raw and labels it as something to be fixed,

a solution to be figured out 

a meltdown -a throwback

For me, it is an awakening to my self-hate 

my heart speeding up, to reach my paste of self-destruction 

greeting me with a loving fall into the very core of my heart 

You are home dear.

It follows you until the ends of the earth 

ready to break crusts of your wings and rocks of your heart 

It all falls away in the split of a second 

when I close my eyes 

and my heart’s rain meets the ocean

I am torn up 

beaten to death

life is leaking out my veins

I am still drinking the attention you are giving me

you never loved. 

you never felt loved.

you forgot what it felt like to be held in peace

you forgot the name written on your heart

the wilderness you were looking for was within yourself

the noise you are pouring down is poison 

numbing you to feel the very peace you are aching for.