You can't analyze art.
There were times where I took my diary everywhere. Every time something made me upset or anxious I would write, write everything down, every fear and every lie running through my head. It was a book of despair and hopes. Dreams and anxiety. It still is, even if it is happening inside my head.
It makes me really mad when people try to stop this process by giving tips and sharing their observations. Who hand you the solutions for your life because they managed to figure you out by analyzing three words you said.
Most of the time those smartass solutions are coming from people who spend little to no time empathizing or listening to how you actually feel. And they do not even analyze you correctly. They could not be farther from the truth.
They manipulate you into thinking that they know your problems as well as the answers to them... One thing I learned so far is that there is nothing more confusing, manipulating and half-truthed than what is coming out of their mouth. "They mean it well", "They do not want you to suffer" yet they demonizing the valleys you are going through, making them look like holes you can't escape from. A journey turns into an endless circle of despair- and your personality disappears, swallowed by the overwhelming revelation of how messed up you actually are. Luckily there is always one solution. Them. Their knowledge and help. They will not lead you into finding your own way and voice but surely they will let you feed off their wisdom and guidance. How kind.
The worst is that those analyzations leave you wondering if there is some truth to it. Maybe the real problem is you not being willing to listen to anyone who wants to "help".
A quick way to find out if something is a lie in nights of confusion is to check: It is bringing heaviness, hopelessness, a feeling of depression (end of the world), confusion, taking your freedom and peace.
ART. A DIFFERENT WORLDVIEW
People sometimes don’t get art or poetry or honesty. They don’t understand that feeling it means processing it. They think art is some kind of cry for help. Which it isn’t. Or otherwise, every love song ever written would be a revelation of depression begging to be fixed. But it is n’t. It is just art. Poetry is just poetry. It just wants to fall out, fall in and fall boldly. The only real fear I am facing is someone telling me how to fix something that I don’t consider to be a broken. I respect space and pain, I don’t rush it or force myself to heal or take some action upon it. Because I don’t believe that I have to fix myself. I believe that I am fixed every day a little more. And I am not going to belittle it by offering my heart a quick fix or tricking it into "thinking positive" which means nothing more than ignorance to me. Of course there is the good kind of positivity that truth causes. But feeling good or bad is a symptom. And we should not fix symptoms but instead aknowledge the real cause of it. I am all for listening to hope and truth and love. What I am allergic to is faking or forcing it- but don't get me started on this topic.
In this whole journey of writing and being vulnerable, I discovered nothing more toxic than words that come out of a heart that figured out how to fix honesty. It seals my mouth, cuts my wings and drowns me in darkness.... Writing was and always will be my safe place, where honesty names the fears that keep chasing me and enables me to breathe again. I don’t believe people who got their life together and feel strong enough to analyze art instead of feeling it. Maybe you are more scared than your project of a broken person and your observations keep you from feeling life yourself. I feel like you spread the most bitter lies of all by making someone feel like they have been forgotten in a wrong place and you have to pull them up to your level of I-got-it-figured -out-ness. I am slowly starting to understand that this is hurting my heart even more than any hate ever could. Because it makes me feel more lonely and misunderstood than anything else. Art is not seeking for a fix. It is asking to feel. And feeling it fixes it more than a fix ever could.
