Goodbyes.| when it's time
The hardest thing about goodbyes is when you're constantly asking yourself whether letting go of someone is the undeniable solution or an awful mistake... I honestly haven't found an answer to that question yet... But facing the hard truth that your reasons for leaving are solid and once hurted you so bad that you were no longer able to be yourself ...that's a brave thing to do ... I guess.... The fear of never stop missing someone causes me to enforce closure. But how do you let go of someone you want to spend every minute with and how could you allow someone to become this important in the first place. Love is a scary thing isn't it... And I don't know if I will ever stop missing...
I think we are all scared of love and almosts... Because there is this non-perfect person being far too close to our heart of hearts and letting them in means giving them power. It makes me sad when people abuse this power by calling someone crazy, rejecting them for their insecurities or if I hear couples making fun of one anothers weaknesses and they expose intead of covering and honoring... Idk ... maybe that's considered to be normal in our desensitized dishonoring society where men are called stupid and women crazy. Leslie Ludy once mentioned in one of her articles that sarcastic jokes about men's mistakes originate from a place of hurt femininity and I have found that to be true.... When someone hurts you, is ignorant instead of saying sorry and then hurts you all over again- it is easier to ignore the pain and develop bitter thoughts than to confront and process the hurt.
How could you honor someone who doesn't "deserve" to be honored... We're careful not to love too much, not care too much and we do not feel save to open up too deep in a generation where everyone leaves when conflicts arrise. We don't wanna to get hurt therefore we don't love as much. Or perhaps we don't realise how much someone means to us...until they are gone...? It is scary to love.... How do you know if this person is worth the pain? How do you know this will work out? Lift you up or tear your heart to pieces?
Sometimes the right person at the wrong time will always be a little too wrong. Sometimes people are not ready and you're scared that they never will be. Never change. Never fight for love. And realising that this is who they are right now ... and there is nothing you can do about it, is not an easy thing to do.
We can't change people.... We can't fall in love with the idea of a person and hope that one day they will change into that better version of themselves.... lowering your expectations just because you feel like their heart is in the right place and someday they will grow into this perfect image isn't fair. They have to learn and change on their own in their own timing... And there is no guarantee that they ever will... And who can tell you when it is time to move on or if you should wait a little longer.... B. Taplin wrote that you can't tell a heart that it's time to move on. If you feel like moving on is a choice than that's a sign that you already did... I think that's true. But it's probably not fair to stick around just to always make them feel like they are not good enough and always falling short... You can just decide whether or not this is an acceptable behavior for you. And if the answer is no.... your heart will find a way to say goodbye...eventually.
I listened to Keaton Henson's music on repeat and thought the song was so accurately describing the sobering feeling of facing all the hurt and having to say goodbye to someone you will love for the rest of your life... No hate ...No anger.... just the deafning sound of a not-meant-to-be. A genuine tender sorry and thousand unspoken words you were never able to tell someone.
I fear goodbyes ... I fear closure... Admitting that the person you're loving is not able to give you the love you deserve. Maybe your heart is not ready yet to give up on someone... and that's okay... The heart descides when it's ready to move on... and able to trust again.
"How Could I Have Known"
How could I have known You were the one for me? How could I have known You were the air I breathe If I don't believe in love?
How was I to know I couldn't live without Your arms around me? If you'd only come back now I'd not let you down again And how could you allow One little love you saw? How could I think If you'd only hold me close I'd not let you go again?
Guess I could've been A better man I should have held onto your coat But how could I've known?
And now looking back Should have been on my knees But I can be cold Shoulda said "Stay with me Please don't leave me alone"
And those other girls They never made me feel The way I do now Know that our love was real But I broke the deal And now...
I'm out in the cold Baby come hold me close Please don't let me drown Woman I love the most My holy ghost Goddamn
Guess I could have tried A little harder I see comfort in being alone How could I have known?
