a need to reboot| being the mean one.

In my head, I have this picture of where I should be. How I should be. And for some reason, I am always miserably failing in doing it justice. Always striving for perfection- or maybe just peace?

I think when I observe my surroundings I realize pretty quickly that people only like you when you have something to offer in return. When you are a person who gives love and attention instead of seeking it.

The moment I step into the dark parts of myself is the moment the "love" stops.

I am a bad person. That is what I feel like right now. That I am not behaving how I should be and therefore I am not deserving of love. 

Looks like this lie is woven into the very core of my being. The feeling of not deserving love. And it is not even a question of deserving or earning love. It is a question of actually being loved. Here. Now. My naked true self. With all my flaws and all my fears.

I am currently realizing that I seem to believe that love is only for those who can perform. Perform well. For people who function. Who apologizes for their mistakes, who never misses the step, who love others, take the first step and are never short-tempered. 
Being the person that hurts someone else puts me in a very weird and uncomfortable position. Now I am responsible for destruction, I am angry and most of all shocked by myself. 

Shocked that I am not the perfect one. That I hurt too. That There is a crying part of my soul that is stinging a soft heart with its thorns.  and here  I am sitting insecurely waiting if being myself broke the deal of love.

Sometimes we react mean and cold "for no reason" because it is a delayed reaction to something someone did to us. Maybe we didn't forgive them after-all. Maybe we never cried about it. Never spoke out what hurt us so deeply. You can not just decide to let things go and hope that the fitting emotions will never get to you. Emotions never go anywhere. They just sit there somewhere in the frightened parts of our souls -waiting to be felt.

I am not perfect. And I still believe that I have to make everyone else believe that I am. The perfect girl. The perfect friend. I never realized that everyone else seems to allow themselves to crumble and fall from time to time. But I am sitting here. In my 20s deathly frightened of failure, darkness, and chaos.

I don't need to hold tight.

I am a human. I always  will be. My eyes do not always cry but my actions do. I will hurt people. And it doesn't mean that I am not lovable. It means that there is a part I never listened to. Never felt. Never hugged and fully accepted as my own story. 

We are all wanna be loved unconditionally and we break the moment we look into the eyes of someone and see that we've reached the border of compassion.

I wanna be a person who loves fearlessly. Who loves through walls, thorns, and masks. I wanna make people feel like they mean. I know that this is what love is. I have seen it. Parts of it. Parts of light and fearless tenderness. And knowing what love looks like makes everything else appear like a very poor copy of it. There are no humans capable of loving the way God loves. And I have no idea what that means. I just caught a glimpse and it gave me hope. Hope to hold on to the truth that someday I am gonna be able to see that I am ok the way I am. That I am loved.  And that love holds you when you are not able to hold yourself. 
It doesn't even matter if you believe in God or Jesus. What matters is that you know that you matter and that you should be loved by everyone with pure, endless, humble and undivided love. Everything else is a lie, a fake version of love is and it is unmasked the moment it reaches its borders.  I know that no human is able to love this way all the time. Just know that this is the way it should be. This is the worth you are actually having. It is not a made believe or talking yourself into believing that you are worth something. It means that you are actually a priceless treasure.  
 

Part of letting hurt and pain go means acknowledging that someone hurt you. And I can only let go or forgive when I realise that what happened  was wrong and that they did not treated you according to your worth. It means placing the responsibility for the hurt on the person who did it and not yourself because you are deserving of hurt and punishment. 

No matter what happened, your responsibility will always stay yours,  their responsibility will always stay theirs.