Finally letting you go| poetry

I guess they say it is writing that helps you to remember what you don’t want to want, makes you feel what you don’t want to deny, and respect what was yours, to begin with.

This is a letter to the one that numbed and burned the most loving parts of my heart, the one I would have done everything for, the one I want to forget.

Maybe I should thank you for the way you lied, told me that things changed, that you finally made a decision to try on love like a sweater that you forced yourself to want. You walked around the store for way too many years thinking if you wanted to, you could always come back...  and maybe you could. Others made me believe how stupid it is to believe in someone after they broke your heart multiple times and a part of me started to believe those voices saying that I am worthless for believing in someone who wanted to pay coins for a love that was worth millions.

As if I lost my respect for myself in all the reasons you had, fully knowing that there is no excuse for such poor behavior. If you ever cared to know what you did, then here me out:

You ripped my heart apart
set free pain that ended in art
floated between decisions, vague delirious 
maybe you tell yourself it was not that serious
are you getting mad again because this questions you? 
- tell me I am curious!

I am sure you still believe the excuses you tell yourself at night
or call again after 6 months when things cooled down and seem bright
time passed by makes it far less dramatic
what is in your house full of lies 
what bones in your attic,
Yeah… I am done playing games

Maybe you tell yourself you’re not a bad person
and I don’t think you are, but your wounds they kept cursin'
 fragility, a Kryptonite that kept me up all night
pondering about the ways your behavior would be justified

Not realizing that I deserved to be loved too.
you’re words meant nothing, 
my bruises were blushing
when every hey just kept crushing
the worth I supposedly had in your eyes.

Nah, don’t tell me it was you, you were defeated
don’t tell me that was not how you saw but you treated
don't fool yourself to think that when you left faint you could cheat it
or not consent to what my heart needed

You ever thought that every player has it’s hurt?
You think just because you had pain, you’re not playing to flirt?
Immaturity can harm when lessons are not learned
and now through your arm  fear would people get burned

I am not playing you the song of perfection
don’t mind me I am just speaking correction
for a heart that blanked  out a whole section
In doomed love's mirror of reflexion

I guess you’d say it’s not meant to be
at least you tried because you feared to free,
you’d rather keep me lukewarm at arm's length,
and coming back would mean you found your strength...

…again
and again

I wanted true love and you made me unhappy
oh, please excuse is this too sappy? 
and I don’t care about this hurting your feelings any longer,
go ahead, call it unfair, tell me you're stronger 
and that you don’t want to play the blame game
boy, I am not trying to frame  or put shame 

I'm telling the truth, your careless home runs
driven by selfishness 
maybe I should have known and not shown, 
but I don’t want to reject myself for loving and hoping in someone 
living in the scarcity of affection

And here comes the hardest part,
I am not feeling smart
lost myself when you left
and found myself in my art.

And I am grieving over the softness in my heart 
that you caged in walls of lies
and the next guy I meet, that I won’t be able to believe 
you did take a piece of my heart with you,
and that changed my voice and my heart’s hue

And the doubt in my heart that I carry,
I blame myself for it
I wonder if there will ever come a day where I truly believe that I am enough
with the standards I set and insecurities I carry
or the past that I have and a heart that is wary

my running heart, you left me running from myself

Tell me where is the spin
before others can't resist the urge to deliberate
tell me where is faint
before I get drowned by the riptides of this weight.  

Dearest heart,

You will learn to love again. Sometimes bridges have to be burned. One more time. For good.
Without any plank covering this chasm between us. I am returning to my shore of affection,
Maybe hurt sets you free to love yourself first, To learn the art of rejecting what rips your soul to pieces-

It is the quietness of a silent never-enough and a not-quite-yet,
the deafening of a bad-timing and a missing goodbye,
that drips in your heart what-ifs
that engrave in your heart a deep lie.

What did you trade for love, why did you stayed?

You can fall apart, you can feel those tears,
you can hold your heart, you can feel those years

An, in the end, it will not turn your heart to stone.
Because your path is set to love fearlessly what has been left behind
You will boldly step into the night, and speak truth to it's darkest parts.

Gold does not burn but is purified in fire.